Hope

Hi guys.

I'm back with a topic that has been distracting my mind for the past week or so. 

'Hope' has become a nightmare for me in 2020. It's the word that I fear the most, that I try to avoid for as long as I can. I know, you might think I'm weird. Isn't 'hope' such a positive word? It symbolizes the bright light at the end of the tunnel. Something to keep us on our feet, to keep us running.

But that word has totally a different effect on me this time around. Let me explain.

At the beginning of the pandemic, things didn't seem too bad. I mean, of course I saw the news from Wuhan, the lockdown happening there, and the struggles at the time -- but I didn't think it would blast to this scale. To the point that it wiped out more than half of 2020 in a blink of an eye. Tbh I'm still questioning where I'm at right now. At that time everything seemed relatively stable. 'It's gonna be okay', I told myself. 

Fast forward to a few months into the pandemic, things were starting to get serious. A harsh lockdown was placed with strict restrictions. Businesses close, borders close, jobs lost, things uncertain. Again, I was holding on to hope. It's gonna be a while, but it'll get better.......or so I thought.

Jumping months ahead, and now we have arrived in August. We were on our third lockdown in Melbourne, with cases soaring over the roof and little signs of slowing down. Everyone were closing their doors to Victoria. We were the black sheep. Inside was pure chaos and the scrambling government trying to fix this mess. We were struggling to contain the infections. Oh now you tell me, should I be hoping once again?

It was exhausting. I got tired.  I got anxious all throughout the process. At one point, the word 'hope' gave me the will and strength to keep on moving, but on the flip side -- it also gave me a much higher expectation than what I normally would. It's like bringing yourself to the top of the building to see the sun, but ending up with someone pushing you from the edge. In the end I'm falling. I'm crashing. Injured and helpless on the ground. 

Once, twice, three times? Is there a need for more?

People say to never lose hope, but if it only makes things worse for me, can I let it go? I hate hope. I hate that it gives me so much anxiety. That I keep going up the building only to fall and hurt myself again and again and again.

As I am writing this, it's mid-September, and I have chosen my stance. I choose to not put my trust in hope, as a symbol. I choose to eliminate it from my vocabulary, at least for the mean time, to take care of my mental health. I need to recover. I need to get better. I need to bring myself together, and run towards the future. I'm not there yet, but I am working on it. This time, not with hope -- but with faith.

For me, faith is a better symbol -- as it does not emphasize any quantity or quality, any particular space or time. It is an internal fix -- having a steady heart. To be calm, to be still. To trust that everything will work out perfectly, in the best timing possible. To trust that everything happens for a reason, whether you're able to see it or not. To avoid ongoing internal conflict, and have inner peace.

This is my stance. 

A steady heart. An inner peace.

And you?

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