Midpoint Check

Hi guys.

How's everyone been in shitty 2020?

I'm on the bottom of the pit. A big high five if you are too lol.

Thought I would do some kind of midpoint check, even though it's technically more than halfway through 2020. My calendar says 7th of September, but anyway.......

Actually, 2020 didn't start too badly for me. I managed to finish the last of my bridging exams, something I should really be thankful for. Also the fact that one week after my exam, the rest of the exam for 2020 was cancelled -- until an unforeseeable future. I know, I felt like crying at the time as well. Some of my friends are caught on that, hanging on by a thread. Life must be far more difficult for them. I should be more grateful. (I was somewhat okay at this point.)

But then things started going south for me as well. The city went into a strict lockdown -- all my intern and job arrangements (which is sadly, interstate), are being pushed back. We're isolated under a gloomy weather. It was hard but I thought I should hold on. This will be over soon. Or so I thought.....

In June, there were hopes of things opening up. I was excited, elated, high with the thoughts of my plans restarting -- but apparently a month later we're back on an even stricter lockdown. There has been a total of 3 lockdowns so far, and we're currently on Stage 4 of Restrictions. You think your life is hard? I have a curfew, a maximum travel distance of 5 km, and a maximum 1 hour for exercise outside of the house. Yeah you're right, I'm so tempted to post this on subtle asian traits -- YOU THINK YOU CAN HURT ME?  * asian kids i'm with ya * 

For most parts of this first half, I have been on a roller coaster of emotion. I'm a Cancerian, and if you don't know already, we're pretty famous for our mood swings. Imagine how bad is it for me in 2020. I was never really stable. Things go beyond my control. Going through day by day has never been harder. I've had anxiety attacks and mild depression episodes. It was my first time to experience this. The symptoms are way worse than my imagination of it while studying psychiatry back in medschool. It is very real. Some days I feel so suffocated, I can't breathe. Some days I struggle to talk. 

I consider myself an ambivert, and I'm usually pretty balanced - but this time around the introversion spiked hard. I understand that the lockdown measures are implemented to protect us (and now I see how serious things get in OZ), but this has a really negative effect on my mental health. It was a lot for me to handle. It was a struggle for me to comprehend myself. It was horrible. I'm afraid of myself, and I hate it.

Dealing with all that, I wasn't completely alone. I had several of my inner circle around. Those whom I trust the most. Oh, and talking about inner circle - I had cut down the size of my circle. There are only very few that I still regularly talk to. One reason might be my heightened introversion, but another is because during this pandemic I realized how toxic they are. I don't want to keep these people around me. So I made a healthy choice to make it smaller, make it tighter, and make it my personal best. And for these few people, I am forever grateful. For the nights I called them crying, when I'm suffocated, or when I can't talk but just in need of a company. For their time, their presence, their kind words, their gestures, and everything in between. 

I am acknowledging that this year is difficult. It's full of uncertainty. 

To be honest, I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. Everything is still blurry, still hazy around me. But I choose to keep walking. To keep trying. To keep moving. To hopefully, one day, be able to find the answer. 

I don't know when that will happen, and I'm sure you don't as well. 

But it's okay. I'm okay. You're okay. We're all good.

And if no one has told you yet, I'm proud of you for getting this far :)

See you soon.